What are the Signs that say You Found Your True Soulmate?
What are the signs that you found your soulmate? Do you have soulmate compatibility with your partner? How can you know if it is true soulmate love?
And do these questions even matter? Why have we all heard about this millions of times before? What is the meaning behind true soulmate love?
I’ve come to notice that in general, whenever people talk about soulmates, they generally refer to this idea of two halfs, that were somehow cut out and separated, like that mythological ancient idea told by Aristophanes here:
“[Each] one longed for its other half, and so they would throw their arms about each other, weaving themselves together, wanting to grow together.”
The idea about soulmates has to do with both of these people being very similar so that they can get along just fine. So, to be soulmates, you basically need to be similar. The other person has to “get you”. Only then you are “soulmates”, only then you are “compatible”. You are so much alike and you just get each other so well that you are always comfortable and always happy…
Take this Wikipedia definition as just one of the examples I could have put here:
A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, platonic relationships, comfort, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, compatibility and trust. Wikipedia
A romantic relationship with another person has to have all these things: love, romance, comfort, intimacy, etc. But «similarity» isn’t the only focus here. This is the point that I want to convey here. «Similarity» shouldn’t be the only focus in a romantic relationship. If you’re not similar, it’s okay too!
Why do we hear so much about this soulmates definition?
Then I question, why do we see this soulmates definition being propagated everywhere, from movies, books, series, our cultures, etc. Why do we keep telling ourselves that we need to find people that are like us? Why?
Clearly, it’s not doing us any good. It is a bad concept to have and to follow because as we grow up, we eventually get hit in the face by reality. Reality hits hard. Once we clear our eyes from this true-love-utopic-cloud, we realize that not everyone will be the same as us and that everyone is obviously different.
Or, in many cases, reality doesn’t hit. And then it’s even worse, as in that case, the chase is never-ending and utopic. And this chasing can keep going for years and years if we don’t accommodate ourselves with our partners’ differences.
Because there is no such thing as “your other half”. When we believe in that perfection, that dream, we might find someone that we like, or even love. But any time a conflict arises, we think that maybe it’s better to just go ahead and find someone else, less this, better that.
Unrealistic “true soulmate love”
With this concept of love, we seek a dream, a person that will be like our twin in everything. But if we think about this for a little bit, we can come to the obvious realization that when we allow ourselves to dream and follow this idea, we are misleading ourselves into believing that there is someone out there that will be just like us. That there will be this someone who will completely understand us and that there won’t be any struggles and fuss about anything and we will be living happily ever after. Because we get each other so much all the time! So Perfect! (but not real)
The easy way out concept
This idea is building emotionally weak people run away from long term relationships because they can’t deal with any kind of issue that arises and keep dreaming of the “perfect” partner.
There needs to be balance. Just like yin and yang. We need balance, we need differences to complement each other (to some degree, depending on the personality of each person). You can’t be the same. Because then who will run after you if you both are stubborn and run away after a fight? Who’s going to be the first to say sorry if you both don’t do it? Who’s going to put some balance in your relationship if both of you are exactly the same?
Easy ideas are easy to convey to everyone. If they are easy, everyone can follow them.
And this theory is so comforting to have. We all would highly prefer to be with people that would always understand us or be very similar to us because then there wouldn’t be any kind of conflict (as we like to believe) and so, people would be always happy – in Happylandia.
However, according to psychology and the understanding of the different personality types people have, we need to have differences with our partners. Because if we are too much alike, there is just stagnation. This idea is not only shared in the psychological field, as ancient theories also talk about this, and also in many world cultures.
(If you are interested in knowing about this more in depth to learn about the different personalities people have, this is a great place to start, from Linda Berens Ph. D. She has over 35 years of studying these topics. Or if you already know about the personalities theory, then check this video on YouTube about the four sides of the mind)
Example of struggles between two same types
Imagine the scenario, two people, exactly the same, of the same type of personality come together – this is hypothetical, of course, as there is no such thing as exactly the same people, but let’s suppose there is.
Although it may seem like they will get along just fine, it would not be the perfect match. In fact, it will be a terrible match. Because each of them has their personal energies and predominance’s, but in this case, these are exactly the same. So there is no balance. Both of them have the same strengths and the same difficulties. Imagine a scale, where both of them are on the same side, while the opposite side of the scale is empty.
You can look at the enneagram 8 personality type as an example. Two exactly the same people with an enneagram 8 won’t stand being told what to do all the time by the other. They want to be the ones in charge. Because there are people that have a preference for leading others to achieve things, not the other way around. So if two exactly the same people with this preference get together, it won’t be amazing. It will be a struggle because one of their main focuses in life isn’t being met. After all, partner A needs that same need in the same exact degree as the partner B. So the question here is: who is going to win? Who will be the submissive one? Who will suffer and who will not?
So how could there even be any compromise if they both need the same level of control/dominance? There is no one to complement them with other things they are lacking. So in this case, they would have to just pretend they don’t have those needs so that they could share them with each other. But the fact remains – both need the same level of dominance, yet they can’t have it; they can only have half of that level of need met.
So how is that perfect? How is that a soulmate relationship? How is it like to constantly feel like you can’t do the things you want and are naturally inclined to do? How must it feel like to live life only at 50%? Because that is what will happen in this “soulmate” relationship.
And keep in mind, it could actually be worse – this is just my example scenario of splitting their needs by half. Another scenario could happen, as one of the partners could overrule the other, so instead of splitting their same needs by half, one of them could completely dominate the other, making the other completely miserable (as he/she would have to go to another side of their mind/personality) and surrendering their needs for the other person to be happy. And that would lead to a lot of resentment if they continued to stay together, and possibly ending in a deadly fight.
Again, not as a “perfect” scenario as you might have thought it was.
“Power struggles become occasions for revenge by the one who feels aggrieved, or they may simply take turns hurting each other as they continue to wear each other down until “the final straw” has been reached.” [Article on] Potential Trouble Spots or Issues for Two Enneagram 8 in a relationship, Enneagram Institute
In true love, we need to be ourselves
When we share our life with another person, we don’t want to be taking roles or adjusting so much that we go to our shadow personality or our stretch points. We need to be completely ourselves, we need to be embracing our main personalities in order to be happy.
So if you cannot be fully yourself because the other person also has the same needs as you, you need to find someone who will respect your needs.
When there is this other person and they are a bit different in energies from you, they will be lacking those natural impulses and energy that you already have. This way, you will be a way for them to learn about different ways of being. It will be a growing and evolving relationship, compared to the one where both of you fight for your main roles.
We were born to evolve
We are here to evolve. We live life to learn, to evolve as people.
But this idea is much much harder to sell and we tend to dislike everything that takes effort.
That is why basic ideas spread faster. But they don’t always mean that they are real and true to follow.
Just look at the great example of Buddha. He was a happy man, according to many. He was a rich prince (again, the same old story of that money doesn’t buy happiness). He had it all. However, he was not happy. Everything came easy to him. Everything was fine. No struggles were needed to be done in his life. So he was unhappy.
Hardships are ultimately Happy-ships
If this idea is not clear enough, then we can just take a look at your own life. When we accomplish something that was hard to achieve but in the end we somehow managed to do it – we feel amazing, we feel like we are on top of the world.
That is the result of overcoming struggles in life. We evolve and we feel stronger.
Take the hard gym session as another example. Take that horrendous math question you finally understood when you were a kid. Take every difficulty you had in life and then remember the feeling you had when you finally achieved the expected result.
Because with struggle comes happiness
Because when bad things happen, ultimately that leads to good things. That is the cycle of life – a life lesson – that we all learn but forget, but somehow Mark Manson reminded us all in his book called “The subtle art of not giving a f*”.
Forget the soulmates fantasy
If you are in a relationship with a person with an almost similar personality as yourself, you will be both struggling to figure out how to make decisions. How to solve problems, how to deal with the power struggles, how to decide on things. As you will be both in need for someone else to respond or for someone else to engage first. But because you both are the same type and respond to situations the same way, it will be a relationship built around power struggles. Or, no power at all. But both will be standing on the same spot, waiting for the other to come from a different one, but that won’t happen.
For a well-balanced blend, there needs to be different ways of dealing with problems, different ways of interacting. Not completely opposite, but also not too much the same. The real signs you found your soulmate should have that in mind. Take a look at these situations that happen all the time:
Testing True Soulmate Love Subjects Jane and Martin
Image this couple is trying to decide on where to go. They are both in the car trying to decide where to go have a good afternoon. If they are both indecisive, and passive and non-engaging, none of them is going to give a solution to the situation. And so there will come the need for one of them to adapt to this issue and go to another part of their self – that is not necessarily their way of generally being. Just so there could be some movement, some kind of decision. As both of them are passive and indecisive. And there should be one that should be taking the lead and the one who would be accepting that for the other, as this would be their way of being.
Testing True Soulmate Love Subjects Kate and Tom
They both like to be dominant in a relationship. They both have strong ideas.
If they both are like this, chances are they will have very fiery and aggressive fights, as none of them will back down on their opinions. If it comes to harsh arguments, there will be no one to run after the other to try and solve the problems with conversation. As both will just do something irrational or aggressive or leave or shut themselves up and not talk to the other. For days, or even forever. Depending on the amount of drama.
Whereas, if there would be more balance between their personalities, there would be one of them that would be calmer and steadier. Who could “run” after the one that irrationally tries to leave or do something stupid out of anger, for example. This way, whenever a hard situation comes in, because one is not as reactive as the other, it will be simply easier to deal with bad arguments. And so, there are more chances for them to not break up for small and insignificant things just because they didn’t talk and ran out.
Testing True Soulmate Love Subjects Wilson and Zara
One of them wants to go to this specific restaurant, but they both like to take the lead. The man in the relationship, if he’s a dominant and likes to generally lead, he will probably not feel very great about his girlfriend being in charge. Maybe she will back down in a few of the first encounters. But if she also likes to lead, it will be a problem. As she will have to tuck that energy of her’s away, for there to be some order. But at the end of the day, she won’t like it. It will feel like she is not herself. If they continue to have a relationship, there most certainly will be fights over who handles what. As none of them will like to back down.
Testing True Soulmate Love Subjects Yara and Larston
Both of them are very socially awkward and don’t really engage with other people too much. It’s hard for them to self-express and initiate contact with others. If they both are in a relationship, it will be hard for them even more, as they will be isolated from everyone.
They will then feel like they are too much around each other, so there will be no growth, they will always be comfortable. And they both will be waiting for the other to propose something new to do or places to go or people to meet. Or something social. As they are both introverted and thus, more responding than initiative. They will wait for others to invite them to places.
But in this case, because both of them are the same type, they will be always waiting for the other to initiate something. But it won’t happen. Because their interaction style is the same. So there is no complementary aspect in this relationship, as both have the same type of energy. So although they both know how each other feels when wanting to have time alone, there will be a lack of initiation socially that will be needed. As every person needs social interactions, that can lead to isolation, then to lack of energy in life, then to sedentary lifestyle, to laziness, then to less friends, then to social anxiety, arguments between each other, etc etc etc.
Main ideas to take out from these examples
The main point is that if you have X type of way and position in your relationships, it will be very bad for you to be with the same exact type of person as you. Because you will be clashing your energies. It will be a fight of who is the strongest.
So the strongest, the less in tune with the subliminal aspects of human interaction or more head-strong or more aggressive, will ultimately win here. (Take a look at the temperaments theory post. If you want to understand how different energies and temperaments behave. This way you can discover the more prevalent behavior of your partner or friends or even your own)
In the long run, after the first stages of the relationship, when both of them are more relaxed and accustomed to each other, it will come as a surprise for them how each other is in reality, after the romantic dates, the sporadic gatherings and the movie sessions are replaced with the real everyday things.
Conclusion to the flawed soulmates definition
The idea of chasing soulmates, chasing perfect people, searching for the signs that show if you found your soulmate or not, checking soulmates compatibility, checking if your relationship is true soulmate love, is all very wrong if it is coming from a place of looking for a person that will be just like you, that will always get you and will be like your twin.
We mustn’t look for ourselves in a relationship. We must learn how to engage with other people, how to deal with hardships, how to deal with fights, how to deal with emotions and feelings.
We tend to believe in this soulmate definition because it is convenient and it is cute. But it is damaging our society, which is already very socially damaged.
The basic understanding of life is that everything has to have balance. So the signs you found your soulmate, if you believe in this, shouldn’t be based on similarities. But rather, in ways that you both complement each other. Ways that help you grow.
Balance. In all matters of life. So let’s drop this idea that we need to find our true soulmate love, because then we most often chase after perfection, our other halfs that are really just ourselves. It is not good to believe in fairy-tales, as they are just that, cartoons and perfectly created stories with perfect endings.
Stay healthy and curious!
P.S. For those that are interested, everything here said is very much connected with the Four Elements theory post. The Four Temperaments theory post. As those have been, and still are, the basis for the psychology of personalities and the understanding of how and why people behave in particular and different ways.
