Are you considering that maybe your mother (or father) is a narcissist? Then you are in the right place. Here, I will give you a small and simple checklist of the traits and signs of a narcissistic parent, so you can understand their tactics. These tactics are used all the time, every day, in various shapes and forms, but they are always the same at their core, making them easy to identify.
Learning these patterns will be a key for unlocking a completely new way of looking at life and dealing with narcissistic people in general.
As you will see, their behavior follows a predictable pattern, which you must keep in mind at all times to protect yourself from their attacks, as well as be ready to not engage in defending yourself or exploding. This way, you won’t EVER be caught off guard, and you will see that this is just their narcissistic behavior.
Protect yourself and your sanity. Learn the narcissistic mother traits checklist and be free of their control over your life once and for all.
Context before you start
Before you start, this post is part of a series of posts about the Narcissistic Parents topic, which might be helpful for you to read if you want to explore more:
- How to know if you were raised by Narcissistic Parents? (Evaluation of your family situation): here I help you analyze your life up until this point with concrete examples for you to introspect on your family issues.
- Signs, Traits, and Behavior of Narcissistic Parents (Evaluation of the signs of Narcissism): here I give specific information about narcissistic signs and the behavior they use on their children, with a list at the end.
- How Narcissistic Parents Affect their Child (Evaluation of Self): here I explain the issues that come after growing up with narcissistic parents, showing common traits and behavior children adopt because of the constant narcissistic abuse from their narcissistic parent.
- How to Live with a Narcissist and Cope with Life? (Evaluation of what to do): here I explain in 17 steps long steps how you can cope with life after you discover your parent is a narcissist. It is a deep post about all the different tips that can help you live your life having a narcissistic mother or father.
- What are the Narcissistic Mother Traits and Signs? (Evaluation and understanding of their tactics): (current post) here I give a quick checklist for anyone to easily figure out if they have a narcissistic mother and learn the signs of narcissism to identify them in their everyday life.
The Narcissist Mother Checklist:
This checklist is specific to the narcissistic mother traits and signs. It is adapted here to the evaluation of a narcissistic mother’s behavior towards their child. However, most of these traits also apply to any narcissist parent.
Keep in mind that the below traits and behaviors can vary in intensity depending on the individual, so not all narcissists will display the exact same behaviors to the same extent. However, this is a general list that can be used to recognize patterns and understand what to expect. It is also important to note that there are different types of narcissism. Some individuals may be more overtly controlling and manipulative, while others may display these traits in more subtle ways.
Protect yourself. The key is in this list:
- Micromanage and want to control everything. They manage everything down to the smallest detail and exert excessive control. They want to know everything. There is no real freedom to pursue what you like; only what they think is good is considered acceptable. They will manipulate you into believing that you will benefit from their preferences (manipulation tactics alert).
- There are no boundaries or limits to their control. They don’t know the word “privacy” or “No” or “No, I’m not feeling it today”. They will barge anyway.
- Give constant restrictions on your actions and choices.
- Need all the attention to themselves, as well as constant validation.
- They talk about themselves all the time. They do not really listen to others, except when the conversation offers them something of personal benefit or the person is important for them.
- Are jealous of everybody all the time. Because they demand all the attention, they feel jealous even of family members’ relationships or simple conversations where they feel they are not the center of attention or the conversation doesn’t interest them, so they will try to divert the topics.
- Superficial relationships. They don’t have true meaningful connections with others. While they may have many people they talk daily, these relationships always have some kind of need or benefit attached to it. Either its work-related, favors, new information, there “friendships” are always about serving their own interests rather than simply enjoying the companionship of friends
- Kids are just extensions of themselves. Not independent individuals who can decide on their life choices.
- Mind games and manipulation: They practice all sorts of mind games and manipulation tactics to get what they want. Lying is second nature to them – they do it all day, every day, effortlessly. They will fabricate excuses, blame others, insult you if needed, or portray themselves as innocent victims who just didn’t know better. They always find a way to escape the consequences of their deceit, and they believe that rules don’t apply to them. (And unfortunately, the victim act is most often the most effective, which gets them out of a lot of situations).
- Grandiose attitude over everything. So, they truly believe they are always right, and that they deserve a special treatment in every situation. (This is why they use mind games and manipulation, and why they think rules don’t apply to them).
- Any argument or discord is seen as an “attack” on them. They see it this way, so they will respond very aggressively, intensely, and personally. For them, every conflict feels like a fight for their life.
- They are happy and proud of you for being complacent and accepting their opinions. In reality, this is not beneficial, but they thrive on having their opinions dominate everything. Don’t fall for this lie.
- Blame you for everything bad that happens in their life, from the smallest insignificant things, such as a dishwasher breaking because you used it once, to more serious issues. They might say, “You are so irresponsible; you can’t do anything right!”.
- Blame you for their own problems. The easiest excuse is “Do you know how hard it is to grow a child?!”. Or “I have done so much for you and now this and that bla bla bla”.
- Gaslighting: They make you doubt your reality by pretending to have memory lapses regarding things they did or said, making you feel like you’re the one who’s crazy.
- Their mood affects everyone: Their mood impacts the entire family. When they’re in a bad mood, everyone is dragged down with them. They will find faults in everyone and everything until someone reacts and provides them with the drama they seek.
- Constant Drama: There is always drama surrounding them. Every day seems to bring some kind of argument. Even a simple trip to the mall can end badly.
- They always play as the victim in every situation. If you dare challenge them or point out they were wrong, expect a fierce reaction followed by classical tears and accusations.
- Accusations of lack of love: They frequently accuse you of not showing them enough love, though they rarely show love themselves.
- Constantly criticize everyone, but you can’t criticize them, ever.
- Guilt,Blame, and Shame tactics in all forms and shapes is an everyday thing.
At the same time, always remember: narcissists have low self-esteem and need constant attention, love, and appreciation. They must feel they are always right and correct, and you are always their “baby” – essentially an extension of themselves. Their behavior is an attacking behavior because they don’t want to be threatened themselves, so they attack first.
Some argue that they don’t realize they are being “mean” on purpose, but many psychologists have already observed that this is not true, because narcissists adapt their behavior based on who is watching, so we shouldn’t excuse their actions any longer.
Their attitudes are similar to a cat’s: always on the lookout for threats and always attacking first, even when none exist.
To help you feel better, remember that the root of this behavior is often a lack of proper love, attention, and appreciation in childhood – essentially, abuse. So they are now compensating their whole lives.
Once you understand this, you can see why they behave as they do. It’s all part of the self-preservation and self-defense mechanisms they have developed.
Find someone to talk about your feelings
Having a narcissistic mother or father is no easy task. This is why you absolutely need to have someone to talk about your issues, your emotions, and your situation. Find a trusted person to talk to personally – that would be the best thing.
But if you don’t have such a possibility, then use Reddit. Talking with people who face the same problems is a good way to understand that you are not alone in this struggle. There are hundreds of groups (subreddits) dedicated especially to the topics of narcissistic parents abuse – “raised by narcissists“, “offmychest“, “narcissisticabuse“, just to name a few.
The more you bend and allow their opinions to overcome your own, the more damaged and helpless you become. However, if you fight back, it will only lead to a losing war. It won’t end good for you.
So, the only real way to change your life is to turn around and go on separate ways.
Change your boundaries. Children shouldn’t feel like they are their parents’ servants. Start living your life without the burden of constantly feeling like a failure, a bad person, or a crazy person. You are not.
Keep your distance from them. Choose the time you spend with them. Absolutely do not stay in the same house (obviously), as it will only lead to further damage to your mental health and overall well-being. By now we know that constant stress disrupts proper bodily function, making you vulnerable to any type of disease.
Wish you all the best and lots of inner strength!
Feel free to comment and share your thoughts about this topic, I would be happy to hear from you!
Stay healthy and curious!
