How to Deal with a Narcissistic Parent: Tips for Survival

Welcome, dear survivor! If you suspect or know your mother or father is a narcissist, then this post is for you. Here I will give you tips on how to deal with a narcissistic parent and make your survival a little bit easier until you are able to break free and move out.

Disclaimer: this is an informational/educational/cultural website, not a medical website. So by no means this information can substitute any type of medical advice or therapy.

Before you start, this post is part of a series of posts about the Narcissistic Parents topic:

How to know if you were raised by Narcissistic Parents? (Evaluation of your family situation): here I help you analyze your life up until this point with concrete examples for you to introspect on your family issues.
Signs, Traits, and Behavior of Narcissistic Parents (Evaluation of the signs of Narcissism): here I give specific information about narcissistic signs and the behavior they use on their children, with a list at the end.
How Narcissistic Parents Affect their Child (Evaluation of Self): here I explain the issues that come after growing up with narcissistic parents, showing common traits and behavior children adopt because of the constant narcissistic abuse from their narcissistic parent.
How to Live with a Narcissist and Cope with Life? (Evaluation of how to cope): here I explain in 17 steps how you can cope with life after you discover your parent is a narcissist. It is a deep post about all the different tips that can help you live your life having a narcissistic mother or father.
What are the Narcissistic Mother Traits and Signs? (Evaluation and understanding of their tactics): here I give a quick checklist for anyone to easily figure out if they have a narcissistic mother and learn the signs of narcissism to identify them in their everyday life.
Effect of narcissistic abuse in your relationships. (Understanding the wounds left by Narcissistic Parents on their children): here I explain how being raised by a narcissist influences the way you behave with others.
How to deal with a Narcissistic Parent : (Evaluation of how to act with them) – here, in this current post, I will give you tips on how to survive everyday life and how to deal with a narcissistic parent

How to deal with Narcissistic Parent’s issues?

We all thought our narcissist parent was a normal parent, up until the moment we reached adolescence, and figured something wasn’t quite right…
We start fighting more often because we start seeing things as they are – its like an awakening. We become aware of things we were not. And so we fight for our independence because we want to start making decisions by ourselves (a preparation to the adulthood years approaching).
But the narcissist parent doesn’t even know what boundaries are, so how could they possibly understand basic things such as “independence”? They can’t possibly understand that their no-longer-little baby wants to be independent.

And this is when the real problems begin. The no-longer-child want to break free, but the struggle is real. And things can get out of hand really fast. And instead of breaking free, they let things go on for too long, and continue being the narcissists’ child forever, up until the point where they’ve past their adult years for having a normal family of their own… and then life is all about regret, resentment, shame, and so on.

And why is breaking free that important? Because arguing with narcissists is like arguing with a baby. And living with a narcissist means your life is all about either accepting they are right all the time, everyday, or, arguing with them everyday. But they always have to be right about everything. And if they don’t end the fight being right, they either:

cry and pretend to be the victim;
gaslight you and make you doubt your own statements;
threaten you with not helping you anymore or something similar to that;
or they just say you are crazy, and a baby and that you don’t know what you are talking about.

So the purpose of this post, although it is to make life easier for people who have to deal with narcissistic parents, is more of a short-term set of tips for your activation plan for freedom! Don’t use this post as help for you to stay with your crazy narcissistic mother or father! This is just a short-term relief for those that can’t escape just yet.

So, what to do when you are angry?

When you feel completely off and out of yourself for the atrocities that come your way, you always, absolutely always, need to understand this one simple and basic rule that will change your life:

NEVER ARGUE

Never try to argue with them, make your point, or even enter into a direct blaming position and point to the reality of their narcissistic behavior – because it doesn’t work!

It’s that simple. You can try and try and try. The result will be always the same. They will manage to invert the situation and you will face the consequences. Because you are their kid. Forever. So you are forever younger than them, so it’s a lost battle before it even starts. Even if you are 40 years old, you’re still forever younger than them.

Do not engage! It will be much much worse. They will be angry, and you will always be the target, but now, with much more intensity and more damage to yourself if you engage and decide that you will just say your peace. I really advise you not to do it, because it really is a trap.

The basic reason for this, although it sounds counter-intuitive, is because, as you may know, every fight will ALWAYS end up in them blaming YOU, someone else, something else, and going away in tears, or screaming. But don’t expect them to accept they are guilty because they never ever accept that they are to blame.

Their egos are too damaged. They are absolute babies when it comes to managing their emotions. They have no idea how to accept criticism their way. So a fight with them can’t possibly end well for your side, because it’s against their narcissistic nature to accept blame. They never accept they are wrong.

A fight with them is going to be an emotional hell

And you will feel way worse after it.

And if you try to expose them on their behavior and call them out for being bad, they will absolutely demonize you in every way.

They will bring out all the bad things you’ve done since you were born.
They will play the victim.
They will threaten you.
They will make promises of a dark future for you.

But what they will never accept, is that they are the bad guys and that they have made you feel bad for something. Because in their mind, they are always right, always the best ones, and always the victim – it is the mask of insecurity, self-judgment, lack of love, neediness. They feel threatened by everything and everyone. Even their own children.

You already know this. So don’t think that just because you will tell them the whole truth they will understand. Again, they can’t possibly understand anything that you will say, as it is unconscious behavior. They might notice some parts of it, but if you call them out on what they are doing or saying to you, they won’t ever understand you. The result will be worse and will backfire on you: They will hold grudges and remember what you said about them forever. And it will only get worse with time.

So just don’t do it. It’s pointless anyway.

Don’t try to confide with your other parent

Also, if you are trying to address the issue to your other parent, most likely a co-dependent parent, think twice. They might know something is not right with your narcissistic parent. But they will never ever address the issue directly with them. As they know already how fights usually end up. The blame will ALWAYS be on you. Your other parent can’t protect you, they need protection themselves! – otherwise, they would have long been gone away from the abuse.

And besides, remember that no matter how old you are, you are still forever younger than they are. So “eggs don’t teach the chicken”! So it’s generally pointless to come and ask for help from your other parent. You will feel bad and abused after it all anyway.

How to find mental peace then?

The key to finding mental peace and not feel angry towards them all the time is to really accept that they are damaged. Come to terms with the fact that they have been always like this and they won’t change if they don’t want to.

And the only way for you to maintain your health is to NOT let yourself be carried away by hatred, anger, and sadness. Acceptance and coming to peace with this harsh reality is really the only way.

You can’t be angry all the time. Your health will deteriorate! And you need to focus on building your own future, chase your dreams!

Don’t go looking for compassion either – they won’t understand you

Also, remember, they don’t know how to be truly empathic towards someone. They can’t understand someone else’s point of view when they are the ones being blamed for something, because they have to fight till death to be the “good” guys in every situation. They are too attuned to every single threat that might come their way because they are extremely insecure and damaged.

Don’t think they will hear about how you feel. They only care about their childish emotions that are really hanging on by a thread their entire lives.

They have a massive radar for self-survival, turned on all day long. So if they sense the slightest of threats, they will be fierce and evil.

So when you try to blame them or call them out for something bad they did, you are damaging their enormous ego and their childhood wounds. They can’t possibly accept that without feeling victimized. It’s just how it is because they are just like babies when it comes to managing their own emotions and reactions.

And this is the result of improper parenting, which is why I talk about how important it is for a child of narcissistic parents to really know how they behave with others and self-learn what marks they got after their narcissistic parents, because this is a cycle, and children always suffer because of lack of understanding, and as a result, they grow up damaged and, as a result, they create more damaged children, and generations are ruined with drama and pain.

Our society is crippled by abuse. Instead of building confident dreams and being happy and moving forward as people, we are fighting past emotional wounds due to ignorance of our own parents.

It is in your hands! It is your responsibility to treat yourself and heal. Ignorance is not bliss, it is pure evil, and other people suffer from that ignorance because it leads to pain, hatred, depression, abuse, serious mental problems, serious health problems, etc.

So learn your wounds, understand how you have been damaged and prevent your future generations and people around you from being hurt again just like you were. Read the post about this here.

NEVER try to change your narcissistic parent

Also again, the reason not to engage, not to argue, is because their behavior is not fully conscious – some parts are, for example, they know that they should behave properly around other people to maintain a good self-image, and so, they only really lose their tempers at home. But they are not aware of how their behavior really impacts others. There is a lack of self-awareness.

They don’t understand what they are doing to you. Remember the traits and signs of narcissistic parents. They are always the victim, they are the brokenhearted ones, the traumatized child who wasn’t properly loved and thus who will never accept any type of critic towards themselves, as they only want and can hear compliments as they have developed this mechanism to overcome that lack of love.

They don’t get that they are being mean, simply because they are blind to a lot of things because they’ve made themselves believe they need to be the ones that have the final saying in everything, to compensate for the lack of that in their childhood.

What will your Narcissistic Parent do if you argue with them?

They will insult you
they will call you a liar
they will make you doubt what you are saying and your reality
they will hurt your feelings, in a vengeful kind of way
they will reverse your truth (gas-light)

Your narcissistic parent will try to blame you and make you feel bad for everything in this world. And you will cry and cry and cry.

There is no point in arguing with a mentally ill person. As they will say YOU are the mentally ill. And then YOU will feel like maybe you really have become one – which is not the best idea to go that way, as you might imagine because then your own sanity will go away and things will be even worse. Don’t fall for their lies. Not anymore!

Don’t ever listen to what they say to you!

In honor to those who might feel mentally ill themselves after arguing with a narcissist:

Do not, I repeat, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT even dare to think you are a bad person, or that you are mentally ill just because they have said it.

It is part of their game, to win. They will use all their available weapons. And that is why you can’t lose your temper with them. Because if you show signs of losing, they will attack you even more. You need to have peace and stability on your side. That way, they can’t even try to use any type of argument around that topic.

What can you do instead of trying to argue with them?

1) Repeat after me, their behavior is not conscious – so don’t listen to a crazy person, because, they are crazy!

2) they don’t understand what they are doing

3) don’t try to change them (as it makes no sense because of nr 1 and 2);

4) don’t do the exposing the parent trap! Remember: you will make EVERYTHING worse. They will hold grudges, they will insult you, and blame you for everything. You will feel worse afterward. And you will lose mental health.

5) do not argue with them! – there is no point in doing that, because of point nr 1

6) do not listen to their insults, do not try to protect yourself, do not try to respond to their lies – because that is what they want, they want you to engage in their drama. And once you do, they will smash you through a wall of pain, horror, and more pain. Don’t do it. It’s pointless anyway.

7) remember: The point of any argument with them is for them to make you believe that they are right and you are wrong; that they are the good ones and everyone else is bad. It’s simple. It’s pointless to argue with a crazy person.

8) create boundaries:

Physical boundaries: by closing doors, by blocking messages
Emotional boundaries: by saying “I’m not going to argue with you, goodbye” in a calm manner and going away from them;
Disengage from fights – do not enter in their fights. Do not react.
Maintain a dull/boring/peaceful standing when you talk with them. Do not show aggressiveness. If they try to push you to a fight, literally go away, or say that you are not going to argue or talk. If one doesn’t work, use the other. Change topics at all costs! Use compliments, ask about their day!

The key to learning how to deal with a narcissistic parent is to focus on the fact that they are completely insecure and miserable people inside, that see threats to their integrity and image everywhere.

So when you understand this simple fact, you will understand that their abuse is coming from an opposite place – their abuse it’s not coming from a position of power and for liking to be mean. Their behavior is coming from a deep wound, from the deep need to be validated and accepted. But in a completely dysfunctional, disturbing, egotistical way.

What can you do instead of trying to change them?

Do not engage and go with the trap of trying to show them reality.

They need to acknowledge that they want to change. They need to realize that their behavior is hurting others. For years they have been absolutely blind over the amount of control, manipulation, and lies they do.

And it’s really unlikely a narcissist will stop being a narcissist completely. Because once you are a kid and you didn’t get specific knowledge on specific things in life, you won’t ever get that later in life. You can try to change it consciously, but it won’t be as natural, it won’t be your natural and “go-to” way of being.

For example, when you are born and are a toddler, you know you didn’t have to study the grammar of a language to learn how to speak and talk naturally and easily. You just listened. Your brain just picked the language and understood the grammar system right away. But then, when you try to start learning a language at age 6, 7, that natural way of learning doesn’t happen. It’s like a door that was once open for a specific period and then closes forever.

That is the same for a person’s development. When we are little humans, we pick up on life’s knowledge naturally. But once you are past that specific age, it’s done. You can’t ever go back exactly the same way.

What types of behavior should you adopt or avoid when you are with your Narcissistic Parent?

When you want to call them out for something they did

Whenever you sense something they did is wrong or bad, don’t criticize them or tell them that. They won’t take it lightly – for them, everything is a war for self-survival. Just think for yourself how stupid it was what they did, but don’t tell that to them. Share it with someone else, take it out of your system. Share it on reddit – that is a great place.

Because if you will say something to them, they will immediately retaliate, criticizing you for something else. It will backfire, like a boomerang. You don’t want that. You just want to maintain mental peace as much as possible when you are at home until you can get out of that place.

When they try to change your mind over something

When they are trying to change your mind over something, now that you already know their tactics, just don’t let them enter your head. Pretend you are listening, but inside your mind, think “they are trying to manipulate me, I’m not letting them do that again”. Just call them stupid in your own head. Like a mantra.

Discredit them inside your mind, their criticism, their bad comments, any of their manipulative attempts. Remember, they are damaged. Their behavior towards you is NOT NORMAL.

If there is tension in the conversation

If you feel like there is tension around, try changing topics as soon as possible to something neutral. Like for example, try asking something about them, their day, what they did today, how was their work, what did they do, etc.. – as you already know, they feel the constant need to talk, to have attention.

So you will be changing topics into something that will spark immediate joy, and they will just start telling you their accomplishments very happily and easily forgetting what they were talking about before.

Compliments ALWAYS work – but you need to be real, at least for them to believe it’s a real compliment (although its not).

If you enter a fight and you can’t escape

In fights, don’t criticize them, as you know, it will easily and immediately backfire at you and it will escalate quickly into a horrendous fight.

So just nod, keep nodding, while in your head saying “aha, you can’t get to me”, “I know what you are trying to do”. As again, any fight with them ends up with someone else, usually you, being to blame. So you don’t want to engage in that.

You don’t want to get emotional and then get abused once again. That is why it’s important to keep nodding, and mentally keep telling yourself how stupid they are so that they can’t get to you. You just can’t hear what they say anymore. Keep your cool. And go away. Have a completely peaceful/dull/uninterested/indifferent position, so that they have no reason to attack you more and more, and start finding ways to just leave the fight, not engaging in it.

Make them believe you are listening to their advice (aka their abuse)

If you have nowhere to escape their boring talk, be sure they see you are “listening” to them. Nod and make sure they believe you are hearing them and “interiorizing” what they say. Otherwise, if you ignore them completely, that will still end up in anger on their part. Even if you don’t say anything, because they need their attention. So instead of just completely ignoring them, keep nodding, say one-word phrases just for them to know you hear what they say – as the reason for starting to argue, demanding things, or criticizing you is for you to accept what they say as valid and important.

So if you ignore them completely, it will only infuriate them. This way, what you want to do is let them think they are making you believe what they say, let them see that you hear. They are looking for that validation, all the time – remember, they are completely insecure inside.

Pretend to hear. But inside your head, create that barrier, build your mental strength. Ridicule what they are saying and after the talk, go on with your life. If you get more emotional, go listen to some positivity. Share your feelings on Reddit. Or with a friend. Go punch some pillows. Go for a jog. Go to the gym. Express that anger in other ways, for you to not get abused again.

But don’t let that anger stay inside either – just don’t let it out on your narcissistic parent. Be careful and respect other people around you as well, don’t make stupid things. Release your anger in healthy ways.

Learn to maintain peace of mind

Every time there is a fight, don’t go after your natural instinct of fighting back. As they will retaliate and make your life more miserable as a result. Just separate yourself from what they are saying and keep your mind someplace else.

Pretend. Pretend at all costs, until you are out of the house. I know it sounds terrible, but it has been tried millions of times before, and the results are always the same. Because when they are in that upsetting, screaming mode and want you to do something/listen to what they are saying, they will continue with their monologue anyway, you just have to pretend you are listening – but not really.

Again, they always think they are right anyway. So there is no point in arguing about anything.

Build boundaries, little by little

Try to create some kind of boundaries, any kind, as small as it is, step by step. They don’t know what boundaries are. But you need to show them you need your privacy also. Little and small steps towards limiting their actions against your privacy will be important.

Use excuses for work, or your hobby, or a friend call, or a work call. Try to change their habits of interfering with your life. Limit their control. Step by step, one after another.

Slowly, without them noticing, you will detach yourself from their control.

Mantras to maintain mental peace:

Internalize that they are not normal.
Understand that you are not the problem, they are.
Don’t believe in what they say. Don’t let their words enter your head
You are not their property and you should not be treated the way they treat you. EVER. By no-one!

It’s your life, not theirs

Internalize in your head that you are not a bad person, you don’t have to do everything that they say or want you to do, you should not be afraid of having to say “no” to them because you know there’s going to be a manipulation argument where you will be convinced to do their way.

You need to understand that in this life, and any other, no one, absolutely no one will know as good as yourself, what is best for yourself.

Only you can decide what is best for yourself. Others can only advise you and you can choose to listen or not listen to their opinion.

You can refuse, say “no” to things, to stand your ground without having to fear some kind of retaliation.

Believe that this is only temporary, if you haven’t yet been able to get out of that house, it will be a different life when you get out. Your manipulative narcissistic parent is making you believe you don’t have strong opinions, that you somehow don’t know and can’t decide for yourself so that you believe you need their help in everything so they end up with you in their lives to boss and manipulate you. But that is not true. It’s the classic manipulation tactics that make you believe you can’t do things on your own and can’t be independent.

YOU SHOULDN’T CONSTANTLY BE FEELING GUILTY FOR WANTING TO BE INDEPENDENT AND MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS.

You can’t do what they want – Because regret will come

It’s your life. Not theirs.

Remember that people die, and life is not eternal.

You can’t be always doing what you are being told to do. Otherwise, you will live in regret, forever. And living in regret of not doing the things you wanted will lead to deep depression and other health issues. You don’t want that.

Don’t accept to be miserable out of fear of retaliation! It’s your life, do whatever you feel like is right for you!

So think about that whenever you accept to do something they say over your own personal needs and desires.

Because if you constantly go against your wishes, your body will show signs of hurt – a leg, an arm, the back, the head. Something somewhere on your body will start to ache. And you won’t understand why. But it will. And with time, more serious problems will arise if you don’t start living your life on your own terms.

mind is not separate from the body, and vice versa

The truth hurts, but only in the beginning

Even though it hurts, and you will feel angry and want to do irrational things and scream and cry and break stuff and scream at them and expose them, this is not the answer. As once that anger passes (and it needs to pass), you will really see how dumb and idiotic all of their arguments and accusations are. You will see how they are just absolutely not true and ridiculous.

You may have been blinded for years but understand this: if your parent makes and does the before mentioned things, THEY are the ones that need to be blamed, not you.

They have been manipulating you into thinking that you are always the bad person in all stories. That is absolutely not true! Why, again? Because they NEVER acknowledge their own faults, because they don’t understand what they are doing. Why again? Because it’s done in an unconscious way.

This is why you won’t ever be able to confront them with the truth. Even if you try with another person of the family – they will victimize themselves, they will fight back, they will insult you both, then they will also try to cry, or they will burst in anger and leave, or make some kind of vengeful statement like “I will never ever help you again” (but that’s just the anger talking, they forget quickly).

Final tips on how to deal with a narcissistic parent

Go to subreddits such as “raised by narcissists“, “offmychest“, “narcissisticabuse“, just to name a few. It is the best place to share your feelings and thoughts with people that actually understand what you are going through, instead of talking with people around you that will completely disregard what you say because they don’t see your narcissistic parent the way you do.

Also, take a look at Doctor Ramani, a clinical psychologist that has a lot of videos to help you cope with this.

And read all the posts I’ve written about this topic that I’ve listed at the beginning of the post, as I try to organize the posts in order, so it gets easier to find specific information on specific issues you are dealing with and help educate yourself on narcissism to help you change your life and break free from your parents.

Hope I could help you to find new ways on how to deal with your narcissistic parent!

Did I help you with these tips? Leave your comment down below!
Wish you all the best and lots of inner strength!

Stay healthy and curious!

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