Before you start, this post is part of a series of posts about the Narcissistic Parents topic:
1. How to know if you were raised by Narcissistic Parents? (Evaluation of your family situation): here I help you analyze your life up until this point with concrete examples for you to introspect on your family issues.
2. Signs, Traits and Behavior of Narcissistic Parents (Evaluation of the signs of Narcissism): here I give specific information about narcissistic signs and the behavior they use on their children, with a list at the end.
3. How Narcissistic Parents Affect their Child (Evaluation of Self): this is the current post you are reading.
4. More to come.
Growing up having Narcissistic Parents isn’t easy
Living with a narcissistic parent, either a narcissistic mother or narcissistic father, is an emotional roller coaster for their children. Life is like a crazy novel, where the parent creates all sorts of problems for their children to deal with. Not only concrete problems, but also emotional problems (aka narcissistic emotional abuse) that they have to endure and try to cope with.
Having a narcissistic mother or father is a very complex issue, because the family life, the family sphere is not public, it is secret and hidden from the eyes of others. And because of that, all sorts of abuse can happen without anybody from the outside even noticing something is wrong. This is a huge problem, as when growing up, children from narcissistic parents generally have to face their problems all by themselves, because “parents are always above their kids”, because “kids need to show respect towards their parents”, because “children can’t argue with their parents”, so on and so forth.
Generally, many kids don’t come to really know their parents are narcissistic until they reach a certain age. Simply because only when we reach our 20’s, only then our brains are completely developed. This means, that children and teens perceive reality through a different glass. Reality is different for them. This is why it is hard for them to realize and perceive what is wrong with their parents. They might know they are a bit too dramatic, or like to argue a lot, or that they have a strong temper. But they won’t really understand that their parents are narcissists and know exactly why they behave the way they do.
And the problem with that, is that they later become adults and believe everything that their parents have been telling them. They see their mother or father as “normal” because they don’t really know that something is wrong with them. Because of that, these kids develop a specific set of traits and behavior that can become part of them for their whole lives, if they don’t ever understand that their parents are really not that “normal”, that they have been treating them badly, and that many things are not as acceptable as they might think – because they never really saw them as having any kind of problem, because they got used to that behavior throughout their whole lives.
How Narcissistic (Abusive) Parenting Affects your Whole Life?
Having a narcissistic parent means that you have been facing emotional manipulation and emotional abuse basically your whole life. And because you have spent years kind of with rose glasses, you didn’t see everything the way you should have, simply because you were a kid, and there was nothing you could do about that. However, that emotional manipulation and emotional abuse was always present in your life. And you became used to it. And this emotional manipulation (great article, take a look), or emotional abuse from your childhood will affect you and your personality and the way you see the world. If you have been living your whole childhood with a narcissistic parent, you will have marks that will remain untreated, if you do nothing about it. Living in a family where there is a narcissistic mother or father means that you didn’t get the love, attention, support you needed to be fully happy as a kid – as I explain in the previous post about the narcissistic traits and behavior. The narcissistic parent doesn’t have the normal empathy towards their child (the way normal people usually have). They see their child as only extensions of themselves. And because we need our parents to help us build ourselves and our views of reality, when that love and support is missing, it can leave marks forever, if they go untreated. After years and years of putting through with so much pressure and manipulation, you developed ways to adapt yourself and to handle the situations around your family in a smooth as possible way. And this way of dealing with things is already ingrained in you, and if you don’t acknowledge how you behave with others, you can be possibly repeating the same patterns of relationship abuse with other people in your life – friends, coworkers, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. For example, perhaps you have noticed that you are too complacent with others, always trying to smooth everything; perhaps its hard for you to say “no” when needed; or you possibly treat older people with “too much” respect, in a sense that you may even be taken advantage of by older than you people because you just can’t be “rude” or respond to them in a way you could defend yourself – you want to do it, but there is always a wall that keeps you trapped, blocking you from answering back when needed; or perhaps you are always too nice. Therefore, acknowledging the behaviors that I will talk about bellow will be the first and most important step into changing your life as a survivor from the narcissistic parent relationship.
Common Traits and Behaviors (and Marks left on) of Children of Narcissistic Parents
So here are the common traits and behaviors that children from narcissistic parents adopt into their lives:
People-pleasing and peace seeking behavior (resulted because of the easily angered narcissistic parent)
This was a survival behavior every kid having a narcissistic mother or father used, in order to maintain peace and to not infuriate the easily and strong-tempered narcissistic parent. As when they didn’t do what their parents wanted, they would have to face the consequences of having no chances to fight back or to protect themselves. Whenever their narcissistic parent heard something opposite or against their opinion coming from their own kid, there were automatically rage attacks, screaming, crying, blaming, etc. So the kid eventually understood that it would be best not to engage in any type of “attack”, opinion, idea, that would go against their “authority” figure, as they knew the result of that would be rage, emotional manipulation, blaming, guilting, etc.
Then, because this has been going on for their entire childhood, it became an ingrained behavior that can keep on going if it’s not acknowledged and stopped, as it is already natural to react this way in the face of adversity with other people, authority or older people.
Inability to maintain healthy boundaries in the face of anger or aggressiveness towards them
Again, people pleasing behavior, but in a different scenario. Inability to stand their ground when they see people that behave aggressively or try to force them into something. Inability to fight back over negative, aggressive people. They will abhor anything to do with violence, aggression. They can end up with men or women that are emotionally abusive, physically abusive (someone who will be the same as their narcissist mom or dad) towards them, and end up trying to soften that abuse or make excuses, having no way of actually standing their ground and therefore be kept in the same repeating cycle. As for them, any kind of sign of love, is already much more than they ever had in childhood. And due to the lack of good self-esteem inevitably created due to bad parenting, they will believe that this abusive person loves them. And will dismiss the negative signs or try to make excuses for that behavior, generally assuming the blame themselves for the things their loved one is doing. This is all repeating patterns – the same way they did with their narcissistic parent, who blamed them for everything, which made in turn the child believe that everything that happened around them was somehow their fault.
Self-doubt is a real and constant thing
Why? Because their narcissistic parents used to control everything, always asking what their kid was doing, always making decisions for them, and so the child didn’t develop the ability to make their own choices without second-guessing themselves and first “advising” with their “authority figure”.
Self-doubt also originates due to the lack of empathy from their narcissistic parent. As the inner child’s needs weren’t heard, the child didn’t feel understood and loved enough. This way, self-doubt entered their lives.
The result of this constant control from their mother or father ends up with them having this tendency to self-doubting their lives, their decisions and themselves. Leads (too often) to unbalanced romantic relationships with their romantic partners gas-lighting them and invalidating their needs, their wishes, their skills, etc. And not only romantic relationships, but also at work, or in any social setting. As self-doubt is always present, the person unconsciously shows and transmits to others that they are not firm and confident, so anyone trying to abuse them will immediately sense that and they won’t be able to backfire, due to the point 2nd – inability to maintain healthy boundaries -, and the point 1st – people-pleasing tendencies and need to maintain peace.
It is a cycle. One behavior leads to another.
On the good side, these survivors of parental narcissism can also develop a strong sense and ability to feel dangerous people if they let themselves be more confident and try to see if a person is abusive, aggressive, manipulative before entering in any type of relationship. Because they have learned that from early age, the signs are already easily interpreted if they are acknowledged. If they let themselves see the repeating patterns that they are so used to seeing (opposed to other people that didn’t have as much contact with manipulative people), they can quickly and easily identify bad-intentioned people around them and set the tone for them, and put those people into place, or simply getting away from dangerous situations. It’s an amazing skill to have once they become conscious of the signs they unconsciously so well know.
Constantly feeling Guilt, Shame, and “Not being” or “Doing Enough”
Due to the constant control, constant criticism, constant need for achieving better things expected from their narcissistic parents, these survivor kids will often feel ashamed for just relaxing; hanging out without a worry in the world. They will be fearful of opening up their emotions with others. They will keep feeling that they constantly need to be perfect somehow.
They will also fear being in the spotlight. As the narcissistic parent always sees the kid as only an extension of themselves. So, if the kid is shining more than them, they will immediately try to put them down somehow. This way, these survivors learned from a young age that expressing happiness, joy, being loud, sharing their feelings, being emotional, listening to music, singing, relaxing, showing great results and just be proud of themselves was a “bad thing”. The narcissistic parent always made sure for their kids to never show too much. Never be too happy. Never be too proud.
The narcissistic parent makes sure their kids feel bad for even existing, as they will continuously mention that they have done “so much for them”, so they should be grateful they have basic survival things that are actually just MANDATORY for every mother and father to do for their child. But these parents believe they have made some kind of favor for their kids – because the narcissists are very entitled people. So even having a roof for them will come in an argument, as if that wasn’t a 1st necessity and obligatory thing for a parent to guarantee for their child.
Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing that can be done by their kids that will make narcissistic parents change their behavior towards their kids. So stop believing that “once you do enough of that X or Y” something will happen and they will miraculously change. It won’t happen. They won’t stop with their demands and their judging and their constant criticism and trying to make you feel bad all the time.
On a brighter side, once these feelings of constant shame, guilt and feeling bad for everything are acknowledged, life will change. Once you acknowledge that they can’t always make you feel guilty for doing, needing, craving for natural and humane things that you DESERVE and have a right for, you will become less stressed about everything. Finding friends and loved ones who will help you relax and be at ease in life, without being too controlling, would definitely be a good idea. As you already had that bit of control in your life. So after that, all you need is freedom, happiness, being away from your narcissistic parents, enjoying your hobbies, enjoying your work, relaxing and learning to be more open with your emotions.
Finding people that won’t be controlling, and instead be more positive, care-free, open-minded, empathic will be a major must in your life. As you have had enough of that control yourself. And you will have that tendency to over-judge yourself as that has become so normalized, so you will need someone else to balance your perspective on life, to make yourself be proud for who you are and what you feel and want in this life.
Anxiousness and insecurity towards emotional expression, love, intimacy
Due to the lack of all the above mentioned, these survivors of early narcissistic family abuse didn’t learn how to express their emotions and love in a healthy way. This way, in adolescence and early adulthood, it’s important that they acknowledge that they absolutely DON’T need someone who is emotionally “cold”, or difficult to open up, or too controlling, or too critical, or too imposing or too domineering – they don’t need someone similar to them, or their mother or father. It’s important to see the signs! As those people will only stress them even more. It’s the opposite that they need. Someone positive, more relaxed, less anxious and stressed than them, more open, more understanding of feelings. A person who will let them express themselves easily and without judgment. Be it their friends or their loved ones.
Break Free From the Pattern
Children of narcissistic parents need to break the instinct of going after people that are like their narcissistic parents and find someone with whom they will be easily comfortable, at home, at ease, able to open up to their emotions, someone different from the people they are used to.
Make it a Conscious Decision!
This needs to be a conscious decision. Picking up the signals, checking if there are similarities with your narcissistic mother or father in your new relationships. As that tendency to chase after the same people that you are so used to, will be unconscious and natural. So it needs to be a conscious decision instead, to be more conscious of the signals.
Otherwise, if you don’t get conscious over why you have that “instant chemistry” or “that strong pulling feeling” towards that guy or girl, your anxiety will continue, your insecurities will grow, you’ll be unhappy, and the cycle won’t break, because you are already used to that kind of behavior towards you, so it comes as something that is familiar. Just remember that you can’t ever change someone’s core personality, ever. You can’t change entire ways of being. And going into a relationship believing that you will change something, is a huge and misleading trap.
Find someone different from what you are used to
So my best advice to deal with this anxiety and insecurity is to find someone nurturing, warm, empathetic, nice, not-controlling, with no protectionist tendencies, not possessive, not “mysterious”, not emotionally unavailable.
Basically, don’t look for someone that will be unavailable, cold, mysterious, controlling, imposing, too head-strong, with old-ways, too confident and not understanding of your emotional needs. As most certainly you will be at pain with those types of people, as you already had that your whole childhood. Don’t repeat the cycle. Find someone that will give you joy and happiness and love. Not control, criticism, too much work, inability to express feelings easily, aggressive fights, possessiveness, jealousy, etc.
To conclude
It is of great importance that every single person who believes their parent is a narcissist tries to really get conscious about every single relationship, every single person that they got close to, and analyze how was that relationship, who was the leading one. Analyze if the relationship was actually pleasant and happy to have, or if there always needed to be some adjusting from your side to fit the needs of others, in any kind of way.
As this accommodation of the other people’s needs is one of the most common traits that is left on children from narcissistic parents. And once it’s acknowledged, once you really see how you act around people, how you talk, how you project yourself to others, you will understand why you have certain unpleasant relationships. And then the reversing process can begin!
I can only wish for every single person dealing with narcissistic parents to believe in themselves, to get their self-confidence back, to start their lives fresh away from their parents’ house and to find people to talk to about this – a specialist who will really help overcome the negative traits; or friends; lovers; or communities online like reddit (“raised by narcissists“, “offmychest“, “narcissisticabuse“, just to name a few).
Wish you all the best of the best, you deserve to be proud and strong!
Stay healthy and curious!
